Aku Ingin Menangis

Pada saat kau berdiri,
Di hujung jalan yang berbagi,
Tanda akhirnya hubungan kita,
Lambaian itu walau dalam senyum,
Aku seharusnya tahu,
Itu yang terakhir,
Menahan diri dari tangisan duka,
Membiarkan hati terus mengharap,
Masih berdoa adanya pertemuan,
Tertahan segala rasa,
Tertahan segala duka,
Tertahan segala siksa,
Akhirnya mengguris luka sendiri,
Akhirnya mengudang duka sendiri,
Aku ingin menangis.

Some stories about friends…

When I had been interviewed back then, for the qualification to enter the education institute I was all alone for the TEASL course. There I met other who will be interview for the course just like me. There was no familiar face except for one, and I was not very close with her especially when I had bitter memories with her but still rather than not having any friends I manage to talk with her. There I actually can remember some faces that became my friends not only my normal friends but they has become my close friends.

On that day I saw many different faces, nervous, happy, excited and confident. Some claimed to me that they had been for some training for being a facilitator so she had no problems to be interviewed but some was very nervous and cannot speak at all. When I went to the toilet one of them were talking about spot questions the interviewer might asked. For me that was my third interview and at this moment I don’t expect too much from the interview. After the two interviewed I had gone through, there was no expectation for me to be accepted as one of the students there. So I just had my own plan, which I will continue my ambition to be a psychologist.

I was trying to be very friendly to others because in my mind, if there was an opportunity for me to be accepted in the course so it will be easier to get friends. But to be friendly with nervous person was not easy; they seem very close in person and did not want to talk with others. I was trying to be funny and help them with the things I know with my past experiences. At the end I am the one who had been left alone because I am the last one in the name list. I was so disappointed to be left alone and I had been thinking how I am supposed to find some friend with people like them in the institute.

I never thought that I will be friends with them especially with their attitude towards me, but we cannot judge people with hours meeting. They might be different from what you had seen them before. In fact the situation back then did not give the opportunity for us to be friends especially when you were in a stressful situation. Never judge them without knowing them better. Now after three years as an education student, they are the best friend ever. We knew each other better when we open our self to others. Learn to know other before making any perception about your friend. We never know when we will be friends and when we will become good friends, sometime even the one that we hate the most can be the best friend ever. Now, they are best friend some one that we can rely on when we in need. They are friends in need and friends indeed. For Roziana and Nur Sa’adah thank you for being good friends for me in such time the sad and the happy moment.

a picture from the school orientation program at SMK Sungai Pusu

Kau Pergi Jua!

Lekaku dalam naungan kasih,
Tanpa sedar pelangi kan hilang,
Kau hanya pinjaman,
Memberi seri dalam hidup,
Kerana terlalu asyik,
Kau kan pergi jua,
Yang tertinggal serpihan rindu,
Lautan kasihmu yang menyirami,
Di dalam kotak-kotak memori,
Ku simpan kemas,
Nun di sudut hati,
Ada doa yang bertali,
Buatmu nun jauh di sana,
Moga bahagia bersama denganNYA.

tribute: arwah tok tersayang. Al-Fatihah

I admit it… I am jealous…

Julai dah hampir ke penghujungnya. August lagi dua tiga hari nak tunjukkan diri. Aku kat sini masih sendiri, so what is the co-relation with the topic. Sebenarnya sejak dua menjak ni, banyak kawan-kawan dah berubah from one phase to one phase. Dari single dan jadi berdua, dari belajar dah dapat kerja. Dan aku masih lagi sendiri, masih lagi tetap dok terperap dekat Garden of knowledge and virtue and it is almost six years. Dari PJ ke Nilai sampai ke Gombak tetap juga memegang gelaran yang sama, student undergrad. Yang lain, already move on to the next stage, yang kahwin, yang dah nak dapat anak, yang dapat happy-happy dengan duit sendiri. Bilakah masa saya akan tiba? Kalau di kira-kira walau pun sepanjang belajar kat sana banyak juga pengalaman, tapi still the experiences was not the same; ME as a STUDENT.

Dari PJ sampai ke Gombak, pernah juga pegang title in a relationship tapi akhirnya tak juga bawa sampai ke next stage. So maybe tak sampai seru lagi kot. Terfikir juga apa yang mereka-mereka sedang buat sekarang selepas masing-masing bawa haluan sendiri. Dah ada wife ke? Dah ada anak-anak ke? Yang pasti masing-masing mesti dah ada perubahan dalam hidup masing-masing. Yang sedia, maklum dia yang kat Bangi sana, bakal graduate end of this year. So, untuk awak dekat sana, Happy Graduation Day. Yang dekat sini, memang dah lost contact jadi di doakan semoga bahagia hendaknya dengan kehidupan. Yang jauh kat sana, rasanya dah jadi polis pun, kerja elok-elok.

Kalau di kira-kira tak banyak sangat pun kawan-kawan yang dah berubah dari cik kepada puan, tapi still as a 23 year old single student, I feel a bit worry. Mesti nak juga ada peneman nanti takkan la nak hidup sendiri sampai ke tua, at least bila berdua, ada yang care pasal kita, ada yang semak-semak dengan kita bila rasa hidupp ni sunyi. Seronok tengok masing-masing yang dah berdua. Kepada kawan-kawan semua, selamat di ucapkan, especially to Salmiah and Nur Afifa, baru je akad nanti dugaan tinggi bila bulan posa. Selamat Pengantin Baru!!! Buat Cik Fatini dan Cik Shiha, congratulation sebab masing-masing dah kerja. So lepas ni boleh la balik belanja kawan kat sini.

As a conclusion, sebagai seorang student memang rasa sangat jealous dengan mereka-mereka yang telah menjadi PUAN, yang telah dapat pegang duit sendiri. Tapi aku kat sini tetap juga enjoy my life as a student, consider myself as lucky then others who need to take care of their family and did not have the opportunity to study at all. Bak kata mama, my rezeki lambat sikit dari orang lain. Yang pasti saya sangat yakin dengan izin DIA, saya juga akan lalui setiap fasa yang mereka-mereka telah lalui cuma waktunya masih belum lagi sampai. Juga syukur pada DIA sebab dah kurniakan rezeki dan kehidupan yang sangat indah untuk saya.

Di mana penawarnya?

Aku masih memendam,
Satu kesakitan yang telah lama,
Sukar terubat, tiada penawar,
kebencian itu racun jiwa,
Penat aku sendiri,
Berkelana mencari tawarnya luka,
Tak mungkin juga aku,
Tersungkur kala hampir,
Sedekit cuma,
Selangkah lagi,
Saat sinar makin menjelma,
Aku terjatuh lagi,
Tak mampu bangun,
Terkuburlah nanti,
Bersama duka tak tertawar.

Satu hari bersama MAMA…

I just had a trip to Perak last week; it was actually a school trip with school teachers of SK Tunku Laksamana. Jalan-jalan walau tak jauh mana pun, best juga sebenarnya. Maklum saja la cuti asyik dok kat rumah ja, except keluar pekan Jitra cari barang-barang dapur and tengok Chik dekat hostel sana. Well, what a bored life. Tapi compare with the study at the garden of knowledge and virtue, this is the best. Dekat sini, rasanya dalam berapa bulan dekat rumah ni tak pernah lagi kot makan fast food segala bagai. Kalau dekat sana, weeked ja, kalau outing dengan mereka-mereka mesti ada menu fast food kalau dengan G, kena ada KFC, kalau dengan silat gang, mesti ada Domino, kalau dengan educationist pula tak kisah apa pun, sebab masing-masing tak kisah nak keluar duit lebih asal makan best, Pizza Hut, Secret Recipe, Chicken Rice Shop etc. back to the story about the trip. This was actually a trip organize by badan kebajikan guru, so maknanya trip dengan orang yang agak berusia la, lebih kurang 30 and above ( I guess so???). Sebab mama kesian pada beta yang tengah bercuti tapi tak jalan mana-mana, so dapat la juga jalan-jalan ke Perak.

The first destination was Bukit Larut. Konon-konon nak enjoy, mandi-mandi kat situ. Well bertolak dari sekolah lebih kurang 8.30 in the morning. Biasa la nak tunggu semua kumpul mana la boleh nak bertolak 7.30 on the dot. Dan berhenti rata-rata, dekat balai bomba Tunjang, dekta masjid ‘Ala, dekat traffic light dekat Tanah Merah and then straight away to RNR Gurun, for breakfast. Turun la aku bersama-sama mak cik-mak cik yang lain untuk breakfast, ada jumpa juga sekolah-sekolah lain, ada student from Tanjung Pauh, and sport school (Tengku Anum rasanya) and then a primary school from Kuala Nerang. Suka tengok that kid yang sangat excited sebab boleh jalan-jalan. Lebih kurang pukul 12 baru sampai dekat Bukit Larut. Bas pula tak mau masuk sampai dekat dengan main entrance dekat situ, terpaksa la masing-masing berjalan kaki and cikgu-cikgu yang lelaki kena la mengangkat luch ke tempat perkelahan. Kalau bagi orang muda remaja, nak jalan setakat 500, 600 meter naik bukit sikit tak ada la masalah, tapi bagi yang agak berusia,that was a problem. Sampai kat tempat tu, I was a bit shocked, dok bayang Bukit Larut ni gah sangat, at least better than Titi Hayun dekat Yan tu, tapi indah khabar dari rupa. Tempat dah la kecil, tab best pun. Tempat nak salin baju sangat la kecik, tak dak shower pun. Kan kalau lepas waterfall mesti la nak basuh-basuh badan, well nothing as good as I imagine, and the prayer room only can afford four people at a time.

Selesai sudah kewajipan kepada Khalid we went to a place where we wish, we can see some tulip, kalau tak silap dekat dengan perhutanan Perak kot. But I was so frustrated because that place was under construction. Sangat-sangat la frust sebab dari malam lagi dah dok terbayang nak ambik gambar dekat tengah-tengah bunga-bunga tulip yang banyak (ala-ala romantic gitu), tak pun boleh gak petik sekuntum bawa balik rumah. From there bas pun jalan la lagi, berhenti sekejap dekta Masjid sebab still ada yang belum solat. So, dalam perjalanan lebih daru dua marhalah jangan lupa, buat la jamak and qasar. Islam tu dah memudahkan kita. The next destination, tak ingat la pula apa nama tempat tu, tapi yang confirm, tempat jual and buat labu sayong. Sekali kali, imaginasi adalah lebih indah dari reality. Mati-mati ingat tempat tu some kind of a small factory where people make the labu sayong, tapi rupa-rupanya masuk dalam kampong saja, and that was some kind la perusahan kampong la, no such thing like the small factory. Tapi boleh la juga beli pasu tanak liat, and some miniature of the labu sayong for souvenirs. Hasrat hati nak tengok orang buat labu sayong pun musnah sama sekali, tanah liat pun tak nampak ini kan pula orang dok bentuk labu sayong. Dah banyak memborong, amboi la shopping sungguh cikgu-cikgu ni, dengan pasu la, labu sayong la, dengan periuk la.

Next station was Sungai Perak. I had cross over the Perak Bridge. Cantik la jugakan. Sampai kat situ boleh lagi nak shopping, ada hand craft and parang, pedang, sabit and golok. Of course la ada yang dok borong semua benda-benda tu, sebab they said it was cheap. Tak tau la, sebab memangtak pernah dok beli pun benda-benda macam tue. Snap gambar sikit-sikit sementara tunggu sapa-sapa yang gila shopping. Dah petang pun, dah penat juga. Masing-masing dah tak sabar nak move on to the next destination, it was on the way back.

Masa tu, ada la terimbau sikit-sikit kenangan mama zaman muda-muda dulu. Kata mama, jalan yang kami lalu tu, jalan lama yang dulu-dulu bas ekspres lalu before highway wujud. It’s was a bit scary kot, dengan pokok-pokok sawit. Kalau malam silap-silap tengok tingkap ada yang tegur. SERAM. Kami berhenti makan Mee udang dekat Kuala Sepetang, kata ketua rombongan meek at situ superb, ada udang besar-besar. Dah sampai kat kedai tu, masing-maing pun turun la dengan excitednya. Sebenarnya kedai tu, just kedai-kedai tepi jalan, tak dak la special mana pun, tapi yang tu tak kisah la kan asalkan sedap. Kami makan dekat Kedai mee udang Mak The. Memang best la kot. Dengan mee yang berasap, ada udang lapan ekor, yang boleh kata besar la juga. Ada dua jenis udang tau, udang laut and udang bela. Selalu yang jual kat market tu, udang bela ye, so kalau nak mee dengan udang bela harga dia Rm 6, kalau udang laut pula RM 10. Bukan selalu nak makan udang laut kan, pilih la mee dengan udang laut. Memang berbaloi la kot makan kat situ kalau nak banding makan dekat hotel sekali serve 50 ringgit and above tapi tak sedap mana pun, kat sini memang best. Dan dengan berakhirnya aktiviti terakhir itu maka berakhir la trip ni.

On the way balik singgah dekat RNR untuk tunaikan kewajipan maklum la kalau dah sampai rumah mana boleh nak buat jamak dah kan. So, settle kan dulu apa yang patut and then boleh la bertolak balik rumah. Bila jalan dengan orang tua-tua ni kita kena faham, masing-masing dah tak berapa nak tahan sangat nak kencing terpaksa la berhenti lagi dekat Gurun. Mengantuk la sangat dok tunggu. Dah singgah toilet tu boleh pula nak minum-minum kopi, dah malam la pak cik-pakcik tak boleh tidur satgi. Dengan segala banyak perhentian akhirnya sampai juga la beta kat rumah lebih kurang pukul 2 pagi. Dapat la beradu dengan enaknya, dah memang tak ingat nak mandi pun, mengantuk sangat-sangat.

Sehari suntuk berjalan kat Perak tu, tak ada la banyak tempat pun kami sempat visit. Thank to mama sebab dah bawa jalan-jalan. And I think this was the first time I had a trip only with mama. Next year dengar kata ada trip to Langkawi, harap sangat aku tengah cuti boleh ikut lagi.

Jatuh cinta lagi...

Willing to stay in front of the computers for hours because of it. I'm falling in love again with Prince Darien and of course if talking about him it's actually about the Moon princess, Princess Serena. I want to be a princess too. living in fantasy is cool. i want to be a super hero too. but maybe I can be a hero in my field. Who knows one day I'll be some one important in the education field. Is there any one who shares same interest in me. It is logically accepted if me a 23 years old young adult is still liking the show? Is there any people will laugh at me if i"m telling them that I'm sitting for hours in front of my lappy because I love to watch the Sailor Moon show.

I hope if there is a person will like me and want to be by my side he will accept me as I am. It is very hard to forget all of this stuff because it is something that form who am I. I don't know if one day I will hate the show but for now I am totally in love with this. Will sticking to this show will make me an immature person? I don't care if it does. Sailor Moon will always be my favorite TV program.

Ku Kehilangan ILHAM

Puas aku bertanya pada hati,
Kenapa aku tak mampu,
Meluahkan kata hati,
Menzahirkan bait indah,
Menuturkan kata puitis,
Mengarang patah gurindam,
Dan jawab hati,
Aku menanti ILHAM,
Aku mencari ILHAM,
Aku menunggu ILHAM,
Kini aku jelas,
Ku kehilangan ILHAM,
Ku keputusan ILHAM,
Ku kekeringan ILHAM,
Dan kini terpaksa,
Sendiri berjalan mencari,
ILHAMKU

It’s almost half of the holiday.

What make me feel terrify is that my holiday is almost to the end. Although I still have around one and a half month but thinking about the schedule of the subject make me feel bad. There is still one subject need to be added in the schedule and it is still clashing with the method subject and writing subject. But being at home for this past one and half month make me feel super duper happy =D. it has been 4 years I never had a long holiday like this one. Thank to the government for this long holiday. I hope it is enough to regain back all the fighting spirit for this becoming semester. This will be the last semester for me to study like others. What do I feel actually? Sometime it feel that I am very excited to graduate from the university but when thinking about the scary carrier path make me feel that I rather study until the end.

Rasa macam nak cuti macam ni sampai hujung tahun ni. Desperate sangat nak cuti ni, sebab bila cuti there are things that I can do without any worries. Dekat rumah tak ada benda nak di risaukan, semua dah ada. Memang dekat rumah tak ada pun financial source but no need to worry because everything is provided. Dekat rumah TV dah ada, internet ada, makan confirm cukup, rehat sangat banyak, Cuma tak boleh nak social macam kat sana. But who care as long as you feel happy and comfortable. So, some minor issues can be tolerating. Maybe for some person they really need the financial source to afford their needs but for me when I am with my family and me staying at my so call HOME (baiti jannati bak kata bebudak SMKAS) there’s no other things I want. But of course it is not a reality because now days without money you cannot be happy; you cannot stop of worrying about your empty wallet. The one who worries about money at my home is just MAMA and PAPA (so cruel of me). For now I really want to leave in a very peace of mind and not worry about anything.

This long holiday is a time to catch up with all the things I had left behind. This is the time nak jadi close back with all the sibling sebab dah lama sangat tinggal rumah, since 13 years old. Nak manjakan adik-adik,boleh juga manja-manja dengan papa, nak manja dengan mama, nak juga merasa jadi anak manja, nak juga merasa keluar shopping dengan mama and bila nak apa benda pun akan dapat. Kalau dulu-dulu keluar dengan adik-adik memang kesian nak minta macam-macam tapi sekarang, kadang-kadang jadi heartless ja (sangat-sangat kejam ni). Confirm lepas ni mama rindu, papa pun rindu juga sebab dah tak dak orang nak berebut tengok TV, dah tak dak juga orang nak tolong picit kaki. Mama pula every Friday and Saturday dah tak dapat nak cari driver bila nak melawat Cik. Abang pula mesti rindu juga dekat kak long dia ni, (perasan la pula) sebab dah tak dak orang nak gaduh dengan dia, tak dak sapa nak tolong bancuh milo. The one who will be very sick of the life when the holiday is over is ME. Sebab dah tak boleh nak rehat banyak-banyak, tak boleh nak manja-manja, tak boleh nak relak, tak boleh nak makan sedap-sedap. Thinking of that make me feel upset, I don’t what will happen when this long holiday totally over. Boleh ke kalau nak apply cuti tambahan, Mr Dean?

Although there were not many activities I had done with my whole family but still it will remain as sweet memories, who know after this I will never have time like this. Seriously for me the quality is more essential than the quantity. Kalau spend time together pun but there are no communication and no happiness and intimacy so it is useless. For me family is everything and I think this is why I am the kind that prefers to stay at home rather than to spend it somewhere else. Tak tahu kalau orang lain memang jenis yang tak boleh nak duduk kat rumah don’t they feel that they are losing the precious time to spend with their family. Kalau aku di beri pilihan memang la nak stay kat rumah, tapi aku keluar rumah untuk cari ilmu, untuk family juga, semua ni untuk family, especially for the one who has been brought me up, MAMA and PAPA. Aku harap ada keredhaan dalam perjalanan aku yang panjang. Semoga aku sentiasa di berkati olehNYA. I hope one day, there will be a bright smile from MAMA and PAPA as a prove that I am success in my journey.