It does not matter anymore.

You never get a best friend until they are willing to do whatever they can to make you happy. I does not matter anymore if they say we are friends forever but at the end just think about them. Do I need to think about them. Then find I’ll live by my own. It will happen every semester but this semester after what had done and happened from the past semester I just can’t accept it. To be alone is not my fear but with no friend towards the end of the battle make me worry aboutmy grade. Maybe I do not need any of them to make me feel better. To find someone who have a deep understanding about you is very difficult and frustating especially when you think you find one but at the end they make you dissapointed. This is maybe one of the story of the live when we are trying to find something but at last you fail and you know them better now.

A long holiday…

I guess it does not suit me for a long holiday. I will easily feel bored. I don’t know the reason for this but I think I am supposes to be very happy with the long holiday. But when I have nothing to do and my life goes on just like a same schedule I just think that I need something to make me smile again. It’s getting worse when I realize that this holiday came out in my dream. This must be the boring holiday ever. Stuck at home, doing the same thing every day, it just makes me miss my click. To think back I do missing the life campus, where I can have my friends when I need them and feel bored and someone to talk with when I feel like I want to. If I can choose, I think I want to stay at the hostel with the condition it is holiday, I have some money and I am with my best friend someone I can be with and spend the time with the memory. I guess I need to appreciate my campus life more than I have done before. Oh, I just think that I may go back to my life when I was a kid and does not have any think in my mind to worry about. Life as an adult make me feel tired and sometimes just make me feel that I just want to sit and do nothing but to remind back all the memories when I was a child and all the happy moment make me alive. sometime I think that I prefer stay at the campus have my life as a student happily.

How do I can protect MY LOVE???

Since it is my holiday, I don’t have that much thing to say and to mumble about. I am just moving on with some normal schedule of life at my home with my siblings which are my love one. My routine when it is a holiday; surfing internet, sleeping, reading (what a boring routine) but who knows one day I’ll be missing this period when it comes the time that I don’t even have time to lay down on my bed especially during in the middle of the semester. I’m trying to do so things that may give some benefits to me but I am really not in mood. It is just the same routine and same activities every day. Sometimes I hope for some a very nice vacation with the family but to think again it won’t happen just like I want. Well just need to accept as it is. Being a teacher today is not just the same like the old time. They are very busy even when it comes to the holiday. Belief it or not, sometime I feel very jealous to my mom’s students because she just spend most of her time with her students. As a “future teacher to be” I need to understand the situation that always arose in the school especially when she need to deal with the standard 6 students but sometime I cannot deal with it. I just feel that I had been abandoned. Ok, enough with the heart feeling and now just would like spill my worries towards my love one.

I started to worry about them when I browse through their FB pages. There are a lot of things that make me feel like that especially when they are now at the phase where they themselves don’t know what they want in their life, trying to find their identity. Trying to deal with them is not that easy as I had learned in the class. Yes! The theory is just not the same as the practical in the real life. At this moment the closet person with them is surely their friends, I guess it is true because I had been in this stage before. They want to be accepted in the community around them, and of course this will involve their friends with whom their share their story, interest and also some secret. As an adult (I think I am mature enough to admit that I am an adult =)) it is very difficult to enter the path to their life. They obviously will not share their secrets with us because they might think that we will not understand them and sometimes might prevent them to do the things they like. But they don’t know what they want may ruin their future. For example, smoking, coupling, illegal racing, pornography. I don’t want to say that coupling will make them a bad teenager or youth but if they don’t know they limit of it they might ruin their own life.

They might get drown in the “true love”, which they may say that I am happy with her, I am nothing without her, this is really not the things that they should think about. I know that sometime when they want to be accepted in their group they need to do and to just like others then my concern now is my love one. I am not that worry about my little sister because I know her (this is what I think) but I am very concern about them both of my little brother plus maybe my cousins. I think it is my responsibility to protect them. But how can I do that with all the technology and so many sources they may get all around them. To be with them 24/7 is something that is impossible thing to do, just some advice and some supervision is not enough. What else I can do? I want them to be mould to be at least useful person for the family and the society. Me as a role model? I don’t think I am a bad role model for them (I think so, am I? hihihi). O… my dear abang and adik please be a good person… I am hoping that you guys will not make mama sad and worry too much. As from my side, I’ll always pray for them, to be good for the sake of the family, society and religion.

Kegembiraan untuk mama...

Jelas dari nada suara mama di balik telefon melamnagkan dia gembira. Puas dengan apa yang telah adik/chik or our baby of the family got. He got 5A for his UPSR. I’m very grateful for that. After all the sacrifices mama had done for him akhirnya berbaloi. She may smile now. Dan aku pasti mama sangat lega dengan apa yang telah chik capai. As the younger one he has been brought up with full of love of course more than anyone else. It is not that we are jealous to him but we were all known and understood he is the baby and no one want to compete with him. He may get all the attention he want from everyone, papa, mama, me as the eldest sister, adik (the kak ngah), abang (the third one) because he is the one and only the little one in the family. Sometime I feel that we might spoil him but what can we do the love sometime make us feel that he may get whatever he want. But thank God that he is not that spoils. He is close with us and he knows his aim. And now the time has come when he will live the nest, he want to go to the hostel which I really hope that he will get the place at the school he wanted very much ( since they started to built the school he already tell us that he want to go the school). Know that he has a very high determination as his sister all I can do is only pray and hope for eh best for him.

And now it is all about the happiness for mama. Setiap kali anak-anak akan ambil major examination such as UPSR, PMR and SPM, mama is the one who will be very anxious and nervous. Yes, it is the truth. Mama yang akan beria-ia cari tuisyen yang bagus-bagus especially at the end of the year before we enter the new semester the year of the major examination. Mama will always do the best for her children. Thank to mama, that now I am here. Mama sanggup tolak ke tepi waktu rehat and waktu cuti semata-mata sebab anak-anak ada kelas tambahan, and as a teacher she is willing to go to school during the holiday just to give some extra class for her students. I think her never as for any reply all the things she done is just sincere form her heart. And I guess because of that Allah had helped her children to achieve good result. Masih lagi aku ingat as the eldest one, when the first time her children (which is me) sat for the major examination, she wake up very early from usually schedule to cook good breakfast. She also make hajat prayer and recite surah Yasin. tapi akhirnya aku sendiri menghampakan mama, I did not achive the expectation. I hurt me a lot and I guess it hurt mama too. And then after that I know mama never put too high expectation for us. When adik sat for UPSR, aku tak pernah tahu apa perasaan mama, tapi mungkin juga it is adik then she may expect more than me, And of course adik make mama smile, she got 5A and abang, mama tak terlalu mengharap sebab mama tahu kemampuan anak-anak dia. Result Abang pun sebenarnya agak mengecewakan mama. But she knows it is Him who determines this matter and everything happen for reasons.

Masuk ke PMR, result keluar waktu tu tok sakit tenat dan aku tak ambil pun result sendiri. Pak teh yang tolong ambilkan. Alhamdulillah, the result is unexpected. She smiles and I feel that I already make it up for the UPSR result that is not so good. With 8A in my hand I feel that I have make mama happy and yes I do. That night I heard mama tell papa that she never expect me to get that high. Syukur padaNya. Aku dapat hadiakan kegembiraan itu pada mama. And for my SPM, apa yang menyedihkan mama tak ada sekali waktu aku ambil result. Although I am one of the best students, which I know when I went to schools to collect my result and saw my name on the announcement board ( walaupun tak la baik mana pun result tu, tapi kat situ aku antara yang baik) hati tetap juga berduka cita. I am very disappointed because I think the happiness is not the same with her around. Only with the phone call, I can see her smile again and know that she is really happy with the news. Mama, I know that you don’t want anything form us but the successful make you smile and feel proud of us.

Dari apa yang aku dah observe, aku tahu dan aku sangat maklum kejayaan anak-anak membuatkan mama tersenyum panjang. Walaupun mama jarang bercerita tentang anak-anak kecuali bila di tanya, aku tahu jauh di sudut hati mama dia puas hati dengan apa yang anak-anak di adah dapat. Dia rasa gembira dengan apa yang kami berikan pada dia. Mama puas hati dengan apa yang kami dah capai buat masa sekarang. Tak perlu nak berikan barangyang mahal-mahal untuk mama Cuma perlu hadiahkan satu keputusan yang cemerlang dia dah cukup puas. Aku sangat sedar dan sangat maklum, sebab setiap kali aku tunjuk result semester yang ok, mama will always smile and aku tahu mana satu senyuman kecewa dan senyuman gembira. Buat masa sekarang aku tahu cuma waktu aku ambil result UPSR mama senyum dalam kekecewaan. I don’t mean to hurt her but I know things happen with the reason and until now I still believe it because without the result I got during the UPSR I am not who I am today. Aku berharap lepas ni aku masih dapat buat mama tersenym dengan penuh bangga tengok result aku dan adik-adik. Ibu mana tak happy tengok anak-anak berjaya. Mama adalah sumber pembakar semangat untuk aka terus berjaya sebab senyuman mama itu banyak maksudnya. Aku hanya ingin tengok senyuman mama yang buat aku juga tersenyum. Kawan-kawan senyuman itu ada banyak maksudnya sebab seorang ibu tak akan pernah tunjk kekecewaan dekat anak-anak so pandai-pandai la kita buat ibu kita tersenyum hanya dengan satu sebab because of the happiness.

Demam exam!!!

Exam datang lagi. Dan aku pun demam lagi. Setiap semester memang demam ni akan melanda at least sekali. Tak dapat nak di elak. Symptom-simptom demam ni, tidur tak lena, makan lalu sangat-sangat, fikiran langsung tak tenang. Muka asyik berserabut, tak nampak seri langsung, katil penuh dengan segala nota-nota. Meja penih dengan segala buku-buku and alat tulis. Kertas berserabut rata-rata. Tu symptom-simptom demam exam untuk aku. Lain orang, lain la symptom tu. Sebab memang berbeza dari setiap orang. Yang bestnya, hidup pun jadi tunggang langgang. Dalam kes aku ni malam jadi siang, siang jadi malam. Apa maksudnya, hanya kawan-kawan aku yang tau. Seksa nak mengadap demam exam ni, tak kebah-kebah sampai la last paper. Tapi nak tengok betul-betul ok, bila on the way nak balik rumah dah, whether waktu tu kat atas bas atau train depend. Semua benda pun nampak indah. Dasyat sangat demam ni, lama pula tu. Tapi ubatnya, banyakkan la mendekatkan diri pada Allah. Banyakkan solat sunat, banyakkan baca Al-Quran ni semua boleh tenangkan hati. Bantu kita jawab exam dengan tenang. Doa tu janganlah lekang dari bibir kita.

Kisah kita (untuk sahabatku F)

Maaf sahabat, bukan niat untuk aku menhilangkan semua memori yang pernah kita lalui bersama. Bukan niat untuk aku melupakan sebuah persahabatan agung yang pernah kita bina dahulu, namun apa yang ada di fikran dan di dalam hati ini hanyalah sebuah kenangan yang maha pedih. Aku tak ingin lagi melihatnya, tak ingin lagi mengingatinya malah tak ingin langsung terkenangkannya. Seringkali hati ini terluka dengan setiap kenangan yang pernah kita lalui dulu.

Maafkan aku sahabat, kerana yang tertinggal di hati ini hanyalah segala yang pahit tentang hidup kita dahulu lantas aku mengambil keputusan yang pahit itu biarlah terkubur. Pernah aku terfikir untuk memadamkan yang pahit itu dengan membina kembali kenangan yang manis, namun apa daya aku kini kita tak lagi memerlukan satu sama lain. Bukan kerana aku membenci tapi kerana tak ingin lagi merasa terluka dengan kehilangan sebuah ikatan persahatan.

Maafkan aku sahabat, kenangan itu tak mampu lagi untuk aku baja keran ia sebenarnya menghancurkan hati yang telah sekian lama berdarah. Kerana aku sendiri berdiri di titian kasih yang kita bina dulu maka aku tak mampu lagi untuk terus berdiri dan bertahan hanya kerana aku inginkannya, maka aku berhasrat berundur diri. Dan sebenarnya aku telah terlalu lelah mengharapkan persahabtan ini bercambah dengan bunga-bunga kasih.

Maafkan aku sahabat, kerana selama ini aku menyangkakan engkau juga sebenarnya mengharapkan persahabtan ini terus bersatu. Sangkaku engkau jga gigih mencari cara mempertahankan persahabtan ini. Dan aku sebenarnya salah. Aku seperti terlalu yakin bahawa kau juga mengharapkan agar hubungan ini terus erat, dan sungguh terluka hati ini tatkala kau menyatakan bahawa kau telah sedikit goyah dengan persahabatan ini. Lantas untuk apa lagi aku bertahan.

Maafkan aku sahabat, ingin aku melupakan segalanya kerana aku ingin warna hidup ini ceria bersama mereka. Aku tak ingin lagi mengingati warna kelam itu. Kerana ia menakutkan aku mengaharungi hidup ini. Kerana sesungguhnya aku bangun bersama mereka. Kerana aku cuba menjalur warna ceria bersama mereka. Kerana aku mula tersenyum walau dalam hati bersama mereka. Kerana mereka yang megubtai hati yang terluka ini. Kerana yang memberikan aku senyuman ini.

Dan maaf, kerana jauh di sudut hatiku tersimpan sedikit rasa lelah dan penat dengan apa yang pernah kita lalui dulu. Kerana jauh di sudut hati ini merana dengan segala tentang kita. Kerana jauh di sudut hati ini aku tak inin lagi mengenang apa yang pernah terjadi antara kita. Kerana aku tak ingin lagi derita.