Assignment is killing me.

Ok. The critical moment has come. I don’t know how to react to this situation. I am really depressed. Being an education student is not as easy like people thought. We do not have that much examination like others but we do have a lot of assignment to complete. Whether you like it or not, you need to do it or else you will never be a teacher. I know it is to train us but, can they give us some space to breathe. It is not that easy to divide the time accordingly. Every semester this is the same thing that I need to face. Although I’m trying hard to organize my schedule nicely but I just can make it right. The works keep coming and I end up crying alone in my room just thinking of how much assignment that I need to submit and how much time I have to complete it. Maybe some may say I am waiting for the last moment to complete it. That is really not true. The thing is that when I’m trying to accomplish an assignment then another one will come. Every week it is just the same. When I’m done with this one then here it comes again, another assignment waiting for me to be completed. I realize and I’m aware this is my duty as a student, but sometimes I don’t even know why I’m doing it. I don’t know the objectives. So, what is the use of it?

about her...

Sangat penat sampaikan rasa terlalu stress and nak nangis. Dan dalam dunia ni, no one may enter it except me. No one can understand my feeling; I just know it from the beginning. Because Syazwani is the one who always feels that she is alone and it give a big impact to her a lot. WHY??? Because she never has someone who understand her feeling well. She never has someone who will be with her in what ever happen. Maybe someone will feel that that is her feeling. The fact is that she never gets to spill her biggest secret to anyone because she never believes in someone to keep it. She always cry alone, thinking of a problem own her alone, because she knows no one may help her in settling with her own feeling because they don’t know the deepest of her feeling. No one will know just by looking at her face, know one will know by just talking with her, no one will know by just sitting together with her. She is not a person who you can easily read her mind. When you cry for reasons, but she may cry for only one reason. Getting older, it is very hard to see her tears, which is why she is say as a fierce person, really deep inside her heart who know she cries only for a very little reason. Her serious face just to hide her soft emotion and feeling. Thus, when you see someone who is really fierce or has a very serious face, be very sensitive with their feeling because her/ his feeling because they are fragile.

The disappointment

Sad! That is the only word that can describe my feeling. It is always time that I feel that I am really jealous to them. I mean my friend. They can always gather together and meet others and it is me the one who always isolate and alone do not know about anything. This is just not fair. I don’t know why but the feeling is not great liked usual. The feeling of disappointed and sad and jealous mix together and I cannot imagine that they meet together and share the story with others. Damn. That makes me even sadder that before. I do want to get along with them. But the fact that I will always have ‘something’ to do will always restrain me from going with my old friends. What a sad excuse. I don’t know when will I’ll be fee from this. I know that even when I have the license I will be like this too because of another excuse later. Waiting for the freedom, I don’t know when I will obtain the full freedom because if I am married then I will be under my husband’s control. Then I don’t even know will the time come when I am all by my own do whatever I want to do.

Aidil Fitri bersama kesayuan...

Tak sedar, Aidil Fitri menjelma lagi. Ada benda baru yang ingin aku belajar Syawal ini. Kerana kerinduan yang tak terbendung, aku jadikan Syawal ini sebagai pengikat memori aku dan dia. Membangkitkan apa yang pernah aku lalui dengan dia. Sesungguhnya aku amat merindui dia. Sedar aku tak mampu akan mengubat segala kerinduaan ini lantas aku mencari cara lain untuk aku mengisi kekosongan yang aku rasai sekian lama. Masih terbayang lambaian tanganya saat Syawal menjelma ketika kami melangkah ke teratak itu. Saat kaki melangkah ke teratak itu pelbagai juadah sudah menanti. Yang paling membuatkan aku ingin menangis bila terkenangkan segalanya, ketupat daun palas pulut hitam dan putih juga rendang daging dan gulai ayam untuk di cecah bersama ketupat. Pelbagai kuih trdisional, walau bukan hasil tanganya tetap juga menanti kami. Karas, peneram, kuih kapal terbang, dodol, baulu tidak pernha tidak ada dalam baling kuih saat aku tiba. Aku merindui suaranya yang memanggil kami menikmati juadah yang dia sediakan. Sungguh segalanya masih lagi jelas terbayang di ruang mata. Kala aku jejaki kaki ke teratak itu lagi, sofa tempat dia selalu duduki akan aku renung andai kata apa yang aku lalui ini hanyalah sebuah mimpi sedih. Namun acapkali aku hanya kecewa kerana apa yang telah aku lalu selama 3 tahun ini adalah reality. Kuih siput yang rangup juga membuatkan aku mengalirkan air mata. Tidak dapat untuk aku gambarkan segala kerinduan yang tersimpan merimbun di dasar hati. Tak tahu adakah insane yang dapat memahami hati yang pilu ini. Saat ingin aku pulang pelbagai bekal sudah terisi dengan pelbagai juadah yang sudah dia sedia maklum kami adik beradik amat sukai. Namun apa lagi yang aku mampu lakukan kerana aku dan dia berpisah dengan dua dunia yang berbeza. Aku di sini hanya mampiu berdoa untuk dia yang abadi di hati. Sungguh tiada yang mampu menggantikan tempatna di hati ini. Namun aku melalui hidup ini dengan mencuba memujuk hati ini bahawa setiap makhluk tuhan itu kan pulang jua menemui penciptaNYA, maka siapa aku untuk memepersoalkan sesuatu yang telah lama tertulis di loh mahfuz. Yang mampu aku lakukan hanyalah redha dan mendoakan dia insane yang aku sayang, semoa berbahagia di sana.

Mencari erti sebenar kelukaan ini

Aku tak pasti mengapa. Kepulangan kali ini membawa kelukaan di hati ini. Adakah aku yang terlalu sensitive atau keadaan yang memaksa aku menjadi begini. Bukan aku tidak cuba memujuk hati ini namun ia tak bias terpujuk lagi malah terus merasa sedih dan terus tersiksa lantas calar-calar yang baru pun muncul menghias hati ini. Kepulangan ini mencari sebuah kegembiraan namun mengapa duka yang aku kumpul dan aku pendam. Entah kenapa terasa kosong kini. Aku mengubati lara di hati, cuba mencari ramadhan yang berbaki. Semoga Syawal kali ini membawa seribu rahmat dan cahaya baru. Ingin aku sembuhkan segala duka dan kesedihan walau aku tak pasti adakah ruang untuk aku merasa bahagia dalam waktu sekarang. Namun aku tak pasti adakah bahagia itu. Adakah cahaya itu. Moga segala doa ramadhan kali ini termakbul. Moga aku ketemu sinarnya lagi.