It's almost the end of March...

Why did suddenly this phrases pop out from my mind? It just that I'm already counting the days for the final class. This practical session is very stressful, it is not because I hate the school or hate being a teacher but all of the burden make me feel so depressed and here I am again facing with the very old ad friendly illness. I hate that very much. I try as much as I can to be more relax and not to think about this so much but still I can't especially when it comes to time when lecture comes and observe my teaching and learning process. I'll try my best but the outcome is not that good as I expected. Although the students gave their full cooperation and help me a lot, I still cannot impress the lecture. I just cannot stand the word fail again in my life. So, I'm waiting and waiting for May to come and bring me back my happiness and laughter. I know after this teaching practice I'll leave this university but still the thought of this teaching practice always haunted me even in my dream. The school seem so scary not even the school but the students make me feel very sad and easily stress out. With the attitude and manner I don't know if they can survive after the school. The thought always come in my mind and I just cannot sit still with the problems. I really want to do something, but as an inexperience  teacher I really cannot think of any good solution for this type of students. All I can do is just some prayer for them to be a good person.

Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa?

Kenapa bila kita dekat sekolah time seems to be very long but when it comes to the holiday it seems to be very short. Terasa macam baru semalam sampai rumah, tapi hari ni dah hari Khamis. Esok Jumaat and Sabtu tiket pukul 2 dan kena bertolak balik KL. Boleh ke kalau tak mau balik sambung practical. Terasa macam tak cukup lagi rehat ni tapi dah nak kena balik. Dah la kena naik bas 6 jam sorang-sorang. Aku forever lone ranger. Betapa bosan dan sunyi perjalanan yang kadang-kadang mencecah juga sampai 7 jam. Penat rasa bila sampai nak kena fikir pula pasal practical. 

Oh Sir Zainurin, I'm not ready for the observation. I know that I'm not suppose to be like this, but the feeling keep making me hesitating the coming of the end for this holiday. Boleh ke kalau nak extent cuti for one more week, and then after that I'll be back with the new spirit. Aduhai anak-anakku boleh tak kalau nanti bila teacher dah start mengajar balik korang tak mendatangkan masalah dekat teacher. Your mummy is not fully ready to be in the class again. 

Sekarang perasaan yang ada tak sabar nak habis practical dan cuti kat rumah. Rasa macam dah terlalu lama aku berjuang untuk ambil degree ni. It's almost 6 years. Kawan-kawan lain dha merasa duti sendiri, dah merasa hidup berdua, dah merasa berkeluarga, aku masih lagi tertunggu-tunggu saat tu sampai dekat aku. Aku makin tak sabar. terasa macam amat panjang lagi masa yang aku perlu tempuh untuk sampai bulan 5 ni. Harap sangat-sangat semua akan jadi lebih baik after cuti ni. Anak-anakku jom belajar rajin-rajin, tak nak dah nakal-nakal ok. I love you, anak-anakku.

A to do list

There is always a to do list when it comes to the holiday. Every holiday will has it own to do list. What is actually a to do list in my life? A to do list in my life is something that I really want to do or want to have when I go back home. For sure most of the to do list are about food. My to do list always concern with something that I can't get during the semester.

For this time there I already fulfill half of my to do list.

1. To go back to kampung (Kampung Tok Arang)
2. To eat home made laksa
3. To eat sambal sotong (mama's recipe)
4. to go shopping or window shopping with mama
5. to go to the morning market 
6. to drive car

Actually there are a long list of my to do list, but this is the main to do list that are always in the top place. It is a must for me when I go back to my home sweet home. Tomorrow I'll go for a visit to Sungai Petani to see my new nephew. Already got 2 nephew and a niece but still I don't even realize how fast time flies.there are still 3 days for me to do all my to do list, hope can fulfill all of it =)

It's my HEART!

Sometimes I feel sad thinking about my own self. I had been an independents person for so long, but still I’m not appreciated for what have been done. Others always got what they want, and only need to request for it and everything will happen as they want. I always do something by my own, do it without asking for others help do it although I know it is hard for me to do it by my own, try not to burden others but still as a person I want someone who one day will gives full attention just for me, help me though I’m not asking for any help, though I’m not crying for the hands.

For me there will be a time I really want someone who want to take care of me just put the hundred percent attention just for me, even if it only for one second. Sometimes, I think that I have been too strong along this road, alone and it hurt me so much. The scars and bruises keep making me sick but I remain as strong as I am just to make others happy. All the scars and bruises had been concealed with my smile, with my happy laugh until no one knows the real inside me. I can’t even show my own feeling because I’m aware it will just make me sadder and depress and it hurts me a lot. 

There’s always some impact behind it. I become more sensitive about something. The heart is fragile, easily touched and wounded. I always want something like others get, and I’ll put full hopes in it, but I don’t realize that I can’t get it. The higher hopes I put for something, more painful my heart will be. At the end one thing that left for me was the broken heart. It harms me badly. My heart is broken into pieces, but for now I know it has become dust, no one can see it; it will disappear with the wind. It will not left any sign of the damages but the only one who knows about it is me. The only one who will suffer is me, only me and myself.

A Heart and Hope!

A story of a heart,
It climb up a high wall,
A wall names hope,
She's trying to climb high,
It hurts her,
It crashes her,
It makes her cry,
But she keeps climbing,
The higher she got,
The more painful she felt,
But she is strong,
But she is tough,
So, she is trying, and  always trying,
In the end,
She falls hard,
It's broken,

Into thousand pieces,
Just because she climbed up a wall call hope.

Counting days...

My dearest friends who's is the same with me might be counting days for their happy day, maybe their wedding, maybe their engagement day but not for me. I'm still counting days for the school holiday. Cannot wait any longer though it only 2 days to go. Tomorrow still I need to go to the school and face them. I really need some break time. I don't know how will I face the next three month at the school. The students are killing me. I feel really exhausted with the routine. Although some people might say that being a teacher is an easy work, but for me I just want them to be a teacher for only one day before they could make any statement pertaining to this career. 

I hope I can enjoy my holiday. But still with the observation which was scheduled after the break might burden me and spoil my holiday. I really need a break and be far away from the school. Now I have the thinking whether this task is really suitable with me or not. Do I really suit with this job, which need a lot of patient, hardworking, sacrifice and commitment. I really get confuse with the job. 

What ever the job make me feel, the counting days has been starting from last week when I bought the ticket to go back home. I already had the ticket for the Friday night. I hope the journey will go smoothly and I'll be safely return to my home sweet home.   

HOME SWEET HOME

Sehari di Taman Botani Negara...

sangat teringin nak rasa the real spring

Dalam penat-penat dan tekanan praktikal, dalam nada menolak dan terfikirkan kelelahan, Ahad, 4 Mac sampai juga diri ini di Taman Botani Negara di Shah Alam sana, bersama mereka yang tersayang. Aku yang mulanya menentang habis-habisan cadangan berjalan-berjalan seban kepenatan akhirnya akur dengan rancangan mereka sebab hati teringin nak masuk dekat rumah empat musim kat situ. Dan aku juga sebenarnya teringin sangat nak berbasikal dekat situ. 

Hari Ahad yang damai, kami pun bertolak berpandukan GPRS yang bising menunjuk arah tuju kami. Akhirnya lebih kurang pukul 12 sampai juga kami tempat yang di tuju. Hati terlalu suka nak naik basikal namun kecewa sebabnya kalau nak naik basikal terpaksa tunggu gilirang yang akau rasa tak tahu sampai bila. Akhirnya bas menjadi pilihan. Kami turun satu tempat perhentian kono-konon nak tengok cendawan. Jalan punya jalan bukan cendawan yang kami jumpa tapi segala ulam-ulam yang rupanya kita tak tahu pun khasiat dan kebaikkannya. 

Perhentian seterusnya ialah rumah empat musim. Berjalan dan terus berjalan, nasib juga tak terasa penat sangat walaupun sebenarnya kalau ikut hati hanya teringin nak tidur sepanjang hari setelah melalui minggu yang panjang. Sampai dekat rumah empat musim, masuk dengan terujanya, memang terasa macam di musim bunga. Cuaca yang sejuk dengan pandangan yang juga menyejukkan mata. Sayangnya tak boleh nak pegang-pegang bunga-bunga yang indah berkembang kat dalam tu. Sangat cantik dan tak pernah pun tengok tempat macam tu, dan membuatkan aku berjanji dalam diri satu hari nak pergi melawat tempat yang ada 4 musim. 

nice scenery

this rusa was very friendly

Perjalanan seterusnya konon-konon nak cari tempat burung-burung tapi yang jumpa kandang dan sangkar burung yang kosong. Kecewa juga hati ini. Seterusnya cari la kandang-kandang haiwan, jumpa juga walau cuma ada rusa, landak, kura-kura, dan burung-burung. Dan akhirnya kami pun melangkah balik sebab ada yang dah penat berjalan. Nasib baik juga ada bas yang lalu boleh menyelamatkan diri dari perjalanan yang agak jauh. Sebelum balim sempat lagi makan-makan ais krim yang pak cik- pak cik jual kat luar taman tu.

snow man di tengah summer!

Dan hari ini...

Hari-hari aku di Sungai Pusu banyak melakar sejarah baru dalam hidup sebagai seorang pelajar universiti. Kesusahan dan kesulitan yang aku lalui banyak mengingatkan aku pada sebuah pengorbanan dan sebuah kegigihan. Namun bagi aku kesusahan itu mungkin hanya sedikit, perlu aku fikirkan pada mereka yang lebih lagi kurang bernasib baik dari diri ini. Dan kenangan ini akan tercatat kemas dalam diari hati yang penuh dengan suka dan duka.

Tak semua yang berlaku dalam hidup ini akan berlalu dengan indah, ada juga warna kelamnya. Maka itulah yang mematangkan kita sebagai insan yang melalui kehidupan yang ada turun naiknya. Aku pasti suatu hari nanti aku pasti akan tersenyum mengingati semua kenangan ini. Aku tahu suatu hari ini, apa yang berlaku hari ini akan membuatkan aku bersyukur. Bersyukur kerana kesusahan dan kesulitan ini yang akan membuatkan aku lebih tabah, lebih matang, lebih bersyukur dan lebih bersedia. 

Yang indah tak semestinya yang terbaik untuk kita, yang buruk tak semestinya terus membuatkan kita berduka, entah bila, yang baik itu mungkin membuatkan kita lalai dan buruk itu pula akan membuatkan kita lebih waspada. Yang baik hari ini mungkin mengundang duka di masa hadapan dan yang buruk mungkin mengudang suka di masa hadapan. Apa jua yang kita lalui hari ini harus kita syukuri dan jadikan iktibar, hidup dengan apa adanya kita. Sentiasa bersyukur dan berterima kasih dengan apa yang kita perolehi.

Dan aku kebasahan...

It might be one of the sweet memories during this practical time. Mereka yang lain maybe tak rasa, aku dan Nur dah rasa. Sejuk tak terkata, lepas magrib baru boleh balik, tu pun lencun jugak. Esok sekolah lagi terpaksa juga meredah kesejukan dan kebasahan itu. Tapi aku hanya senyum sepanjang perjalanan kerana aku tahu inilah sebuah kenangan. Record book basah juga, text book lencun walau pun dah balut dengan plastic, sorry Kak Zuna, tak jaga buku ni elok-elok. First time balik dalam hujan yang agak lebat dari luar UIA, even kat UIA pun tak pernah nak redah hujan, sampai depan bilik dengan kebasahan. Kasut, baju, beg, jacket, semuanya terpaksa je jemur kat luar. Harap-harap tak demam la saya. Esok sekolah lagi. Walau pun esok semua bergembira kerana esok adalah weekend, namun sebagai pendidik tiada weekend untuk kami. Aku simpan kenangan ni sampai bila-bila. Bukan senang nak capai cita-cita kita. Bukan mudah untuk aku mencapai bintang di angkasa, maka segala kesusahan dan kepayahan terpaksa ditelan kerana di sebalik kepahitan pasti akan ada kemanisan jua.